Wedding Jitters

Hello Gorgeous Reader!

 

Well, it’s 12:20am and I’m still wide awake. I haven’t been quite getting much sleep of late. A couple of times, I fell asleep at 4am. I don’t know really… I’ve just been such a mess lately. There was one day that I found myself grinding my teeth in anger and irritation; I snapped and stopped when I realized I didn’t know what I was angry about. It just felt mad. This must be what ‘matchbox 20’ meant about being unwell.

There’s just so many things on my mind right now; the wedding, the expenses, and my inevitable domestication which is consequence of the marriage.  I’ve always been a home buddy and in fact, if there’s one person I’d want to spend the rest of my life with, it would be my fiancé. Which is why I wonder so much about these feelings of anxiety.

At first, I was scared of being rejected. Since he said that I’d be moving in with him and his sister/s, I kind of had this fear of rejection. I picture myself like some new appliance that he brings home to them. That I’d have to shut myself off while his gone (face the wall or something) and turn back on when he’s home. I am very very shy around his family and a huge part of that is because I fear rejection.

Then I became anxious about expenses. I do have a bit of money that I was saving for a vintage car. But since we’re getting married it is only just and sensible that I share with the expenses. Besides, cars aren’t very good investments. When I computed the budget, I realized we’ll both eventually use up most of our savings for this one day. Recently we started spending and the more we spent the more anxious I’ve become. I started thinking… when we’re married, I probably won’t get to buy what I want without having to justify it to him. And if I bought some luxury for myself, people would think he bought it for me since he’s earning more than I am. I definitely don’t want people thinking that I’m some kind of gold digger or that I’ve benefitted from him or the marriage. I’ve been quite independent financially. I bought most, if not all, of whatever I owned from my own earnings. I’ve never been the type to ask from my parents either. Come to think of it, I may be anxious about my independence and not about the expenses after all.

Most of all I’m anxious about the responsibilities the marriage would require on me. Right now, I pretty much do whatever the heck I wanted to do. Sleep or wake up whenever I wanted; eat or not eat whatever I wanted; stay awake ‘till dawn playing kiddy online games (y8-fireboy & watergirl). When we’re married I’d have to do the chores, eat, sleep on a specific schedule to keep up with his. I’d have to keep fit to be a desirable and ‘fruitful’ wife, unlike the fat loser life-style that I have right now . I’m pretty sure there’s a list somewhere on what a good wife ought to be.What makes it worse is the fact that I don’t want to disappoint him.

 

***sigh***    ***sigh***   ***sigh***  I sound miserable, don’t I?

 

If there is one consolation about my on going anxieties, worries and altogether madness; it’s him. I could tell him anything; even these embarrassing anxieties. That’s probably the main reason why I chose to marry him. Because with him, I can be completely honest with myself. I guess that matters more in a marriage than any silly anxieties.

 

How about you reader; have you had relationship fears or anxieties? What life changes made you anxious?